so i've close down my main blog

so from now on, if i feel like i want to share something, it's going to go in here. today has been such an amazing day. i have come into my senses and gotten in touch with myself. such an amazing experience. i've been needing this.

the one thing that was so amazing was the fact that i have fallen in love with hilary all over. (actually britney too!!! and madonna). i didn't realize just how much i relate to her and how alike we are. i've seen her old videos from 2000 and 2003 and she is just like me- so normal and so alike. that's how i used to be (or maybe i think that, but at least now i am like that for at least partly). the things that upset me about her after her change (hair color, style, etc.) is everything i am loving right now!~!! i mean i love all the clothes that she wears, i love the way she colors and styles her hair, i GET why she acts the way she does and i agree 100% with her on everything. the way her personality is, i feel like i am completely in tune with that as well. like she is my twin soul sister (not looks- wise obviously) but we have very similar identities.

i am such a sensitive, emotional person and that makes me a really girly girl. something i used to be ashamed of but now i love it. i am not afraid to show it. also this makes me want to do music soooo bad. act or model, just be a celebrity because i am too sensitive for this world. i dont kno how i am going to survive- i need something to let go of my emotions. something to recharge and survive from. but i will not set any permanent goals until i reconnect and go back into society once again. i've been so antisocial, i need to set goals after that because than i'll be thinking completely differently. cuz actually that is when i am able to see myself pursuing this dream. it's actually makes it easy for me, i fall into place when im healthy in society.

also realized just how painful the whole dad dying thing was for me. it actually made me really painful, there is SOO much saddness there. always will be. always the most painful thing for me will be this. makes me feel so small, so much less than all of other people. like god doesnt want me to have a dad. like i dont deserve to have one. thats how it felt when he took him away from me. big blow to my confidence.

also watching her be so normal, makes me think about my life and what i want to do with it. i definitely want to have a cool career that is fun and creative (i can only think of hollywood for now!).. makes me want to set goals for life and just enjoy life. its like the first day of my life. i want to experience it, relax and enjoy life for a bit. make friendships but not too overwhelming and obsessive like in the past because i have learned to trust myself now. it makes me want to make differences in people's lives, just do something good out of the time i have on here (on earth). that is why we are here, to do good and that is what i want and crave to do.

going to church is where i'm starting. today i thought about going there and even though i didn't end up doing that, i felt sooo possitive! my depressed completely went away because i started having all these positive things and what i wanted to do. i noticed the things i wanted to make changes in life about like the clothes that i wear and the way i wear my hair, the surroundings in my room and thinking about the future. i imagined the new friendships i'd set in church and how i want to look or the person i am and how i will be when im there and be seen as (and that is blonde or brown hair, girly colorful style but minimal, very down to earth and comfortable with a dark edge to it kind of like a bit emo, very feminine, vintage style). i even thought of what it would be like for there to be relationship, i could see it happening and being possible for it to happen and that was a huge relief and very exciting to live through. very cool day today.

i am also very hopeful about my future job. i am excited and ready to start a new one. i know what work for me (and that is a very calm, independent job that isn't overwhelming, the complete oppositve of a waitress). i kno those kind exist and i know this time around to stay true to myself because i can't handle any other jobs. i would also like something that is kind on my sensitive, girly soul where i can see people in a good light unlike waitressing and where i can fun with them. where i feel comfortable and able to make friendships. i am so done with jobs that don't treat you like a human being and belittle you, invade your private space and abuse. so OVER that. i know what i am capable and what kind of jobs i can do and that's all i'm going to stick to. im actually really excited about this.

i am also going back to college. i like exploring things and learning new stuff. mostly i realized i will be getting to know myself- that's what college is for me- it's therapy. i am excited to learn the kind of person i am. really excited to see who that is. i kind of want to start things here first before getting into a job but i will have to start work first because i need the money, ill just stick to a no-people job and then go to a more challenging one. people overwhelm me. i'd do cleaning any day. once i become more social through college, i'll be able to take on more people jobs.

also i wanna run a blog! haha kind of doing that here already but i want it to be official and all- very nicely and uniquely done.

skin care

so i have been thinking of my personal skin care regime and well my skin is a mess. surprisingly, it actually looks good. my skin looks like it's got life, youthful and i even have natural pink cheeks. i mean compared to how my skin used to be. was total mess. but if u look at it closely, it's so bad. there is acne all over. bumps, wrinkles around my eyes, ect. if i could get rid of those, i cant even imagine how good it'll finally look! i think i need to switch back to cetaphil both wash and moisturizer cuz ive been using whatever lotion we got. then, i would just focus on my eye makeup and not even gona bother with skin. i wont need foundation or anything like that and if i do use some, it'll only be for color. that will save me some time and i'll forget about having messy face and wont have to worry about reminding myself i have something there. i mean it wont save me time after shower cuz i'll have to be taking care of what lotions to use but still better in the long run cuz u wont look different without makeup. anyways, feels good to take care of myself. havent done anything for myself for such a long time, been treating myself like shit.